I need to gain some weight.
My recent weight loss is nothing to be cheery about since it is not intentional or healthy. I try to eat, and everyone who knows me well knows I can and love to eat, but my recent circumstances have it difficult for me maintain my weight. Since consumption does not the trick, I need to find another way. Last night, I suddenly recalled a very important discovery my then best friend and I made years ago…
Remember learning in physics class about the law of energy? It states that the total amount of energy in an isolated system remains constant, and that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.
Back in my portly, tender years, I have spent just about all of my time between the ages 13 to 26 obsessing about my weight. (Yes, I was fat. Fortunately, no one who knows me for less than 7 years would believe me now, but unfortunately, I have ample photos to prove it.) I have tried a plethora of diets–the cabbage soup diet (not bad, just bland), the grapefruit diet (my favorite), the cottage cheese and beets diet (YUCK!), Slimfast (makes you gas-y), low fat diet (boring), low carb diet (impossible), the Special K diet (I stopped after one day). After everyone of them failed to turn the plump-me into a mini-me, I had to find my solution in the solidity of science.
One enlightening afternoon, as my friend and I were such exemplary students discussing how we can apply what we’ve learned in class to our daily surroundings, a brilliant connection (brilliant at least in our teenage brains filled with vague scientific knowledge**) between the law of energy and my paunchy predicament was discovered:
If energy cannot be created or destroyed, and weight is energy, then when one person loses weight, where does the energy go? Someone else closeby within the isolated system must be absorbing the energy as by osmosis. In reverse, if one wishes to gain weight, one must isolate themselves with another who is losing weight, thereby absorbing his energy.
Is that not be the BEST and most scientifically sound weight loss/gain plan EVER??! Brilliant.
SO my plan now is to identify people within my social network who are shrinking and methodically cloister myself with them. Anyone wanting to shed some pounds?
**Yes, I am fully aware that my brain is still filled with nebulous scientific knowledge. But I’ve got to have earned some points for the active application of them.
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